the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
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dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
the council will decide your fate
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.