Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
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My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE