Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
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Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.