Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
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[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
this was the best i’ve ever seen
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk