Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
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Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
oppen heimer style lol
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*