The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
You Might Also Like
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
The honesty is refreshing
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.