I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
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If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
So the ex texted me
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.