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Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
True
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?