You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
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Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
i want to work in this restaurant
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.