Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
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Alexa, make out with the Roomba
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Adultry does not sound fun at all
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.