Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
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When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
looks legit
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.