Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
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Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.