Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
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If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.