[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
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Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Come back with a warrant
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.