Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
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You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I need better friends