“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
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Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I think they could have phrased this better
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
#TopTip
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.