Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
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The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Home #decor warning.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction