Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Why is this me 😫
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.