Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
You Might Also Like
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Dolls on drugs