[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
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Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.