Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
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My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know