Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
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I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”