Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Isn’t
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.