Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
You Might Also Like
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
this is how life feels
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day