My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
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*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.