Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
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My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.