I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
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guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”