“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
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*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot