Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
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I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver