Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
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“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
They got a point!
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.