i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
💻🤡
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.