No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
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[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*