Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
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Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’d use my best pan on you.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.