Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Alexa: *deep breath*
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.