*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
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Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much