I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
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People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same