Stop sending me this shit.
You Might Also Like
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Lmfaoooooo
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid