the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
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Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Just a bush.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Care for your back
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…