Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.