@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
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“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication