Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
You Might Also Like
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
a badder mouse
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.