I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
This guy’s not having it 😆
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners