The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
She puts the hot in psychotic
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I love you…
…r dog.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY