[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
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Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
The pen is writier than the sword.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine