My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
blocked.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out