MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
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If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot