ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…