MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
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CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over