man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
yall want some gasoline milk
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?