I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
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Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
wow he looks just like him